THE CHEAPEST PLACE TO IMPRESS AND BRING YOUR FOREIGN MISTRESSES

CORNER BISTRO
441 W4TH STREET
NEW YORK NY 10014

I had to find out what’s all these hoopla about. “Supposedly”, this place's hamburgers are rated number one in NYC by numerous food authorities.

WATCH OUT, CORNER BISTRO! THE LITTLE ANGRY GOURMET GAL IS AT IT AGAIN!

Me and J arrived at this little sports bar around 9pm on a Monday night. The line to get in stretched all the way out to the pavement. We waited for half an hour to be seated while the two very unattractive married American businessmen in front of us displayed their sloppy groping skills to their foreign mistresses in full view. GROSS! I tried to diverse my attention to the cook in the little cubbyhole (well, it’s the kitchen actually) flipping twelve chubby burgers on the grill. The two giant plasma TVs on the wall played sports news while 80's pop music loudly blasted. I scanned the room, it was packed with Manhattan frat boys and tourists who looked perpetually like they just won the lottery.

The burger better be worth it!

After settling down at the tiny table in the back, we looked up at the brick wall and studied the menu. Very simple and straight forward: burgers, fries, grilled cheese sandwiches, chili, and a whole separate board of for beers. Me and J agreed on the followings:

BISTRO BURGER
CHEESE BURGER
FRIES
GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH (only because I read somewhere that it’s good)
COKE
DIET COKE

The Latin waiter took our order and left with a sarcastic smirk on his face. Ha! I knew the look! That “I’m totally judging you because you don’t drink” look! J reminded me again about my conspiracy paranoia as I was about to stick my index finger up. Fine, if the burgers were not up to its hype, I’m just going to slap the shit out of that loud drunk girl next table.

The bistro burger came with lettuce, tomato, onion, and a thick strip of bacon. Yum! I picked up the bacon and the alarm went off!

WHY IS THE BACON COLD?!

I removed the bacon while J was busy pouring the entire bottle of ketchup onto his cheese burger. Tentatively, I took a bite. Oh! Another bite. Hey! My eyes relaxed and my jaw expanded. Very nice. The burger was juicy and flavorful. I was also pleasantly surprised that they put the ring of onion beneath the patty. Somehow it provided the support for the hefty beef and sent off a sweet after taste. Not bad. Not bad at all. I took another bite while J eyed the ketchup bottle lounging seductively next to him.

Americans!

The fries were the thin kind. I kind of wished they were a bit hotter and crisper, but it didn’t bother me that much. Half way into my burger, I decided that it was time for me to try the grilled cheese sandwich. I munched on it, and all my blissful serenity went flying out of the window.

THIS IS A JOKE! IT HAS TO BE A JOKE!

The grilled cheese sandwich tasted like, a single-armed blind child from China had made it. Call me mean, but anyone with their head attached to their neck can put two slices of American cheese and bread together and heat it up in the microwave. I took another bite and promptly spit it out. This thing cost $4 dollars that I'll never see again. Horror emerged from J’s eyes, (his inner thoughts: OH NO! NOW I HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT THIS ALL NIGHT!) I was enraged.

GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH MY ASS!

Ever heard of “Croque Monsieur”? Those decadently sinful French grilled cheese sandwiches that make you want to make out with your annoying boss? This country totally needs to loosen up, seek more pleasures in life, and learn to be more like these European bastards.

As we step out of the place, the two very unattractive, married, now dead drunk American business men were still outside pinching their mistresses' butts. But somehow it didn’t bother me as much. The burgers were indeed very good, and I would totally recommend it to anyone. Just don’t get the grilled cheese sandwich.

Oh, yeah, J liked it, too.